The things men get wrong on

(And probably women too but I wouldn’t know…)

OK, firstly, let me just say that I’m not actually back on – well, not really – that would make me the biggest flake out there wouldn’t it, after posting all the reasons I’ll never go back to internet dating…

It turns out you can create kind of a skeleton profile which allows you to do actual searches on eligible men (or presumably women) in your vicinity. So, yeah, I’m just kind of window shopping right now. It is a little bit addictive though and I can see myself forking out, at some point, for what it’s worth.

Because, let’s face it, what really are my options? Yes in an ideal world I would join some kind of cool club which I would attend regularly and it would allow me to get to know a bunch of people – male and female – and I would make some male friends and (presuming they were single) maybe one of those friendships would evolve into something more.

Back here in the real world – I’m a single mum with small children – I will not be attending any cool clubs on a regular basis. At least not for the next 15 years.

People don’t meet eligible singles whilst browsing melons and bananas in the supermarket or when their eyes meet in the queue for a Costa latte. That stuff is just for the movies because, let’s face it, unless it becomes socially acceptable to go round wearing a sign saying “single and looking” and then maybe a little ‘winky’ eye pointer to hold up to indicate that the “single and looking” you are looking at is actually your type, there is just no way of either knowing anyone else’s status or gleaning whether or not you are their cup of tea.

It’s even less likely to happen when you have two munchkins under the age of 7 in tow – what are the odds that strangers will assume you are happily partnered up?

So yeah, all that to say, internet dating or bust right?

Back to then. Of course other dating sites and apps are available but Match was the one I was on ten years ago and it’s interesting to see how it’s changed and evolved. Winking is still a thing, but now there are all sorts of quizzes and enhanced extras plus dating ‘events’ being organised all over the country by all accounts.

When you’ve spent a bit of time out in the world assuming that you are probably the only singleton within a 25 mile radius and scratching your head wondering how, in a population the size of South East England, it could be so difficult to hook up with someone who fulfils your criteria, suddenly being confronted by a whole swathe of eligible men all fully searchable and scrollable is comforting.

But, goodness, men of – what were a tonne of you thinking when you chose your profile photo?? I appreciate that not everyone is pretty and there’s not much you can do about that (bar posting a blurry photo taken from two hundred yards away) but seriously I’ve seen better mug-shots. Being too close to the camera – looming above the camera (thereby leaving the viewer with a distinct sense of vertigo), refusing to crack a smile, posing in contrived ways, showing off the guns (you are clearly obsessed with pumping weights at the gym) – I have to say the words that came into my head were ‘scary’ and ‘keep your distance’!

Then there are the sales pitches. To be fair, I think of myself as a writer so I’m quite the picky madam. Anything with poor grammar and spelling – is a turn off. Any pitch which involves the sentence “I like to go for long walks, hold hands and finish of the day cuddled up on the sofa with a glass of wine” is being, in my opinion, lazy and clichéd. Anyone who can only churn out one or two sentences gives the impression that they aren’t really all that bothered about the whole thing or they have no imagination or creativity within their soul.

Then there are the men who have a good old stab at an ‘entertaining’ pitch by going down the analogy route. So far I’ve had the pleasure of a full on motoring analogy (Ladeez – if I were a second hand car and you were the buyer…) and some good old sporting metaphors. And fair play to those guys, at least they were giving the self-marketing thing a bash, however cringe-worthy.

The names people have chosen for themselves can also be an instant turn off – but I guess they serve their purpose – Golflover365 – er. no thanks.

Yes I predict a lot of bad dates out there…