Knowing what you want, and getting what you need

I was feeling pretty sorry for myself this time last week. A Tuesday afternoon – I had a long, dark teatime of the soul which involved me weeping in front of my kids and having to tell them once again that the reason for my tears was simply “life”.

Surprisingly though, I think I may have very quickly scrolled through the stages of grief coming out the other side not too much the worse for wear. It may have even helped to find out what I did because it has allowed me to let go of something which, up to this point, felt like a defining moment – a relationship with someone too good to be true who I couldn’t quite let go of. It’s a lot easier to let go of someone who turns out to be deeply flawed.

I actually looked him up on Meetup and copied a photograph from a recent event he attended which shows him looking over-weight and unattractive. My sister said “he was hardly God’s gift” – I said “God’s gift comes in all shapes and sizes and it was his way of being within a relationship that made him the perfect man”. Knowing what I know now about what was going on in his head in the background throughout our relationship means that he wasn’t God’s gift in any respect so why waste any more time or words on the man?

I checked out the discount situation for Match and lo and behold they were heavily discounting a month’s membership at the knockdown rate of £4.99. Despite my misgivings, I couldn’t turn down such a bargain.

It was interesting to see what kind of contact I’d missed out on with my free (read: entirely locked down) profile. Winks and favourites and messages from the most oddball bunch of guys imaginable. Twenty-somethings, people from far flung lands, people you wouldn’t want to bump into in a dark alley…

I waited until someone vaguely attractive sent a wink then messaged a brief hello “I’m ready to date again if you are?”. (It’s tough knowing what to say – I need to be better than “Hi” but spending ages crafting a thoughtful message doesn’t seem worth the stacked odds that you will be ignored and left hanging.)

He came back to me quickly “How would you like to be fine wined, dined and thoroughly seduced by me? J x”. I thought, blimey, no beating about the bush there, and followed up with a simple “why not?”.

The next thing that happened: tumbleweed. After 24 hours I told him “I assume this means you’re either married or you got a better offer”. To which he then responded, “no, not married, just been busy. When did you last have sex?”. AHEM!

To cut a medium length story short, the conversation descended to him pretty much downgrading his offer from fine wining and dining to just straight sex.

I said thanks but no thanks and swiftly moved on. I mean I miss sex, I think about it a lot, sometimes at work I have to read and assess some pretty graphic stuff and it can send me into meltdown (ha ha!) but having said that, I’m not about to hook up with a stranger I met on the internet for sex. If I wanted to do that, I’d be on Plenty of Fish!

I took another chance, I messaged another man – someone who seemed a little more down to earth – not spectacularly good looking but what I’d call “just normal”. Kind of what I’m looking for in a man right now: just normal, honest, kind, decent. Of course he needs to have a great sense of humour and a whole load of other qualities too but there has to be a baseline.

On the plus side he lives in the next town over, he’s a couple of years older than me which is preferable, he seems to be gainfully employed and he has children just a couple of years older than mine which is important to me because I think it really helps to be at a similar life stage to your potential partner. Someone with adult children has moved past where I’m at right now and someone with no kids is never going to fully appreciate the rollercoaster I find myself on.

We had a brief chat on Match and he continued to seem normal, so I invited him out on a date and he said yes. As far as I know we are meeting up for drinks this Thursday (although I’m well aware that this is internet dating and he could drop out and disappear at any time, before or after [hopefully not during 🙂 ].

So watch this space.

 

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