Baggage

I’ve come to a conclusion about my love life – or at any rate my love life as of 2017. Pretty obvious really but it’s still taken me this long to put it all in perspective.

I would say that there are numerous men out there who have no initial problem with dating a single mum but  everyone’s situation is different and what comes to light over the course of a few weeks or months is that background issues become apparent. In my case, right now I would have to admit that the Husband is still just a little bit too present in my life – and not in a good way.

I can imagine being a man dating me – little by little finding out that my not yet ex husband and father of my young children is what I describe as a “high conflict personality”, with a personality disorder who is full of bitterness towards me but still seems to want to reconcile at times.

The fact that he is also a police officer and gym obsessive just adds to that heady mix of negative bordering on a bit scary and just generally not a person you would want to invite into an otherwise stress free life.

I know the children themselves complicate things and the lack of a regular child contact agreement restricts my ability to be spontaneous but ultimately it’s him – this dark shadow on my shoulder.

My first ex post marriage was concerned about stress in his life despite assuring me that his feelings towards me didn’t really change – he carried on loving me and fancying me after the break up.

My recent partner is not as in tune with his own feelings and by his own admission buries his head in the sand at times rather than tackling whatever doesn’t sit right with him which kind of explains him telling me that he didn’t even know why he pulled back from intimacy and why I ended up being the one to instigate the break up. His “action” is really just omission. I genuinely don’t think it was because I did anything wrong or because he doesn’t like me or find me attractive any more.

The fact that, during a conversation yesterday he said “I know it’s rubbish now but it’ll get better [Layla}” shows that he is well aware that it is the situation I find myself in that is the problem, not me.

So I’m left wondering how the next phase of my love life is going to go. Do I just have to accept that, if I want a love life at all I’ll probably have to expect to bounce from one short term thing to the next just trying to keep the heartache to a minimum? The alternative is to remain single but I’m afraid I’m hard wired to seek out love affection and intimacy – without those things in my life I have discovered the hard way that I just end up feeling lost and lonely.

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6 thoughts on “Baggage

  1. I get where you’re coming from- it must complicate things having a difficult ex in the picture, but I think the right guy would understand. It may help dating single fathers or divorced guys who would be able to relate.

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    1. Yeah you could be right. The only problem with single dads is trying to find a good time to get together when you’re both child free. My ex was divorced and a dad too but his kids were grown up and his divorce was long ago.

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  2. Your kids will get older, and more independent, regardless of what your ex does. Things will get better. You will find a network of babysitters, they’ll want to go for sleepovers at their friend’s houses, etc. It won’t always be like this. I know it’s hard now, but it will get better. Hang in there!

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  3. For what it’s worth, I don’t think it’s entirely a gender-based thing. As a single dad of four, there are plenty of women I’ve dated who don’t want to get involved more deeply because of my children (in fact, most don’t even get to the date stage after they find out I’m a dad).

    I also totally get your need for intimacy and relationship. I wrote about this myself recently (https://diaryofadatingdad.wordpress.com/2017/08/03/why-do-i-prefer-being-in-a-couple/); for me, being single forever simply isn’t an option. I don’t feel complete. I refuse to live in a world where I can’t find someone who is the right person at the right time; it’ll happen, I’m convinced!!!

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    1. Thanks for visiting and commenting Glen! I discovered your blog the other day and it resonated. Do you think that we should stick to dating other single parents? Or have you tried that? I think in an ideal world the Brady Bunch scenario should be possible 😀 but heaven knows that ain’t going to happen with my kids!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I don’t think we should stick to one thing or another as everyone is different, but single parents do at least “get it”. I’ve been on dates with single parents before; some have failed because the other person hasn’t been a good fit for me, though one failed because she realised she needed someone with no ties at all who could devote themselves to her life rather than fitting two lives together.

        And you’d be surprised at what kids will adapt to!

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