It’s a no from me

So, yet more navel gazing from the frontlines of the confusing, frustrating, disappointing world of internet dating.

If you read my last post then you know that I was vaguely excited by what I’d considered a ‘good’ date yesterday. I was in the dark about how The Scot felt about me or what would happen next given hectic schedules on both sides. I needn’t have worried.

After about 8 hours I sent a brief message saying I’d enjoyed meeting him and suggesting that if he could get a night off soon then I would attempt to do the same, I got nothing back. At least not until 15 hours later when I receive the fairly lame “It was nice to meet you too, Layla. I’ll try and get a night off soon Xx”.

The first thing that irritated me about this was that, well, Layla isn’t my real name but I’ve got the kind of name that is shortened to the first three letters – always. I don’t feel comfortable if someone uses my full name – it’s not Elizabeth but if it was, and I was used to being called Liz then you can see how formal and arms length it would seem to use the long version. That’s the first thing he did.

I had said “I really enjoyed meeting you today [Scot]” and he responded “It was nice to meet you”. Not the same I’m afraid, in fact generically polite and dispassionate.

Despite these little niggles though the one thing that spoke volumes was the time scale. It quickly became clear to me that this was more than just someone who doesn’t really ‘do’ messaging. And once I had come to that realisation, I began to unpick everything – total deconstruction of the dating process, my expectations, what I want, what I need, everything.

Before I had even decided what the time lag was all about I already knew that whatever, it meant something to me – it meant that, to coin a phrase, he just wasn’t that into me. And that’s OK – disappointing initially, but OK. And actually, on reflection, I begin to see that there was something fundamentally lacking in our interaction, something which is really quite important to me: humour. There was no banter, no flirting, no naughty twinkle in anyone’s eye.

To be fair I’ve got myself in trouble before by my attraction to men who have a bit of the joker about them, and I realised that when I was scrolling through one dating website the first time I was even narrowing my search down to men who described themselves as ‘a big kid’. Then I happened to stumble across the profile of the Husband and noticed that he describes himself as ‘a big kid’. Oh dear.

Heaven knows I don’t want another child in my life but a sense of humour, the signs that the other person doesn’t take themselves too seriously, the impression that they enjoy the fun stuff whilst still being able to man up to the challenges we all face in our day to day lives and switch on a bit of depth for a real emotional connection – that’s a pretty big deal to me. Unless someone is naturally that way inclined then I find it difficult to feel truly at ease in their company.

I am a self-deprecating kind of person, I LOVE to laugh – live comedy is one of my absolute favourite things to watch. It’s part of my history, growing up as a regular audience member on the London Comedy Circuit. I would rather discuss my favourite funny films and shows than discuss politics.*

I would rather go to bed with someone who makes me laugh (not like that!) because it puts you at your ease and it’s the beginning of ‘playful’ and I like playful. All that intense Fifty Shades bullshit just makes me cringe.

So, yeah, all that to say, this whole experience has started with me feeling rejected and ended with me feeling grateful – grateful to be given the opportunity to re-assess what it is I need. Grateful that I have the ability to keep it all in perspective and not to take it personally, because I know that I would have dated this guy and I know now that it wouldn’t have taken.

  • I do talk about politics and political issues do matter to me but if I just put this out there: Ben Elton, circa 1986 and ‘a little bit of politics’… that’s the way I like it…

 

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6 thoughts on “It’s a no from me

  1. A Big Kid is definitely NOT what I am looking for. Been there, done that. I want someone with a sense of humor too, but classy humor. Intelligent humor, put slamming others. MS makes me laugh like that – a gentle funny humor – not demeaning. That’s what I want. But of course, that’s why I am drawn to him I suppose.

    I don’t understand men at all. I don’t want to date. UGH. I hope I don’t have to. Just ugh.

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    1. Oh I know – there is a line between someone who can’t take anything seriously and just mucks about and can’t give you romance or passion or respond to your need to also be taken seriously as a emotional being (the husband was a bit like that – he never gave me flowers once in ten years, nor did he much bother with any other romantic gestures and I put that down to his inability to get past that childish notion that there is something sissy-ish about a boy doing that kind of thing). But then I need someone who is fun and a bit irreverent (not at all derogatory towards others or laughing at others’ expense mind you). Someone who wouldn’t be scared of making a fool of themselves but wouldn’t make a habit of it either if you know what I mean! Blimey I barely even know what I’m talking about here – seems like I’m looking for something impossible!

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  2. Sometimes it can be like that. I wish thought that men would be a little more upfront if they just weren’t into it. I think it would save a lot of time and energy. Obviously, not being rude about it but just being honest.

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    1. I know exactly what you mean. I guess it is fraught with potential issues – the guy doesn’t know if you will suddenly turn into some kind of demented banshee distraught at being rejected. I watch this show (UK) called ‘First Dates’ where there is this one restaurant in London where they set couples up on first dates and only people on first dates eat there and get filmed doing so. After the date they take them to another room and interview them together and they say whether or not they want to see each other again. It forces them to be completely honest and even though sometimes one person is disappointed or surprised, it kind of draws that line in the sand straight away. I do wish real life could be more like that. Having said that I guess getting the vague “let’s meet up again some time” text is better than getting zero back and being completely ghosted.

      Liked by 1 person

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