Somewhere over the rainbow, childcare works…

Another day, another stressful phone call with the husband. I’ve been asking him for a list of dates for child contact for the last 2 weeks since the old list ran out. In that time he’s seen them once – for one afternoon before depositing them with his parents for the night and not returning til the following morning.

The only date we had talked about and agreed upon a couple of weeks in advance was this coming Thursday – a school holiday day when I’m at work and out 9-5.

His attitude to me (which is never exactly good) appears to be on the down swing. He has no respect for me or understanding of what it’s like to be responsible for keeping the children fed, clothed, entertained, healthy, morally sound and well behaved, supported in their education, looked after when I’m not around, and just generally alive and safe and content.

I asked to confirm that he was still having them on Thursday and he just casually mentioned that he can’t any more because he’s got to work now. There was no apology, no sense of dismay for having forgotten to tell me as soon as he’d found out himself. Then to add insult to injury he implied that the there was something unfair about me asking him for a list of dates and told me that I am trying to use him for childcare. I tried to point out that as their parent, the childcare analogy is moot but he talked over me repeating the phrase “because you’re a little bit of a bitch” a few times before hanging up on me.

He had spoken of getting his mum and dad to have the kids on Thursday (his dad is 80) but I would be happy if I never had to see his father ever again after his rude and aggressive behaviour towards me each time (even after over a year of separation). I sent him a message telling him not to bother asking his parents, that I would make other arrangements.

I have sent a message to his ex wife asking if she would be able to have them for a half day as she lives in the town where I work, doesn’t work herself and has mentioned in the past that she could cover for me if I ever needed someone and she has willingly agreed which is a big relief as it is too late to book a holiday club now and I really couldn’t have afforded it anyway.

I’m trying to let it wash over me and take it in my stride. Having coped alone with this same kind of “help” (or lack of) and bad attitude from him for the past year at least I know I can juggle through, just about have enough leave from work and can just about afford to pay for childcare.

One thing is certain – I need more help from him financially, particularly if he is unable or just unwilling to care for the children himself when I can’t. If I can’t rely on him to make firm dates to have the children and stick to them then I need to make childcare decisions which leave him out of the loop for my own peace of mind and sanity.

I know from experience that he will get angry and belligerent if, closer to the time, he finds himself free and asks to have the kids last minute when I’ve already made prior arrangements, then of course I’m the bad mum who refuses to play the co-parenting game in the “best interests” of the children. Essentially I can’t win.

Also, I’m not sure if it’s simply a case that he hasn’t heard the children speaking about the (ex) boyfriend recently but he appears to have been pumping them for information.

He knew that the boyfriend was a smoker (although he’s given up now) and he’s been asking our eldest if the boyfriend has died. Today as my son was shutting the door of my car when I picked them up (they spent four hours with husband’s family) he actually shouted “find out about [boyfriend’s] funeral “. My son tells me “Daddy doesn’t like [boyfriend]” to which I reply “how does he know, he’s never even met him”. There’s bitter and resentful and then there’s selfish and hateful.

The people he calls friends don’t know this about him. They think of me as “Cruella” – as though I’ve not only wronged him by daring to walk away whatever the personal cost to me, but continue to wrong him by trying to control his relationship with his own children. I see myself more as Dorothy, caught up in the raging whirlwind, doing the best I can and trying to hold onto the belief that there’s a mystical portal of peace and tranquillity from all this insanity, somewhere over the rainbow.

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5 thoughts on “Somewhere over the rainbow, childcare works…

  1. Insecure people have to talk badly about others because it makes them temporarily feel better about themselves. Your situation speaks for itself, you’re taking on mostly ALL the responsibility – you are doing the right thing. He’s not, so he wants to pull you down. It’s going to be hard, but don’t let it get to you. Use it as a teaching opportunity and move on. Good luck.

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    1. Thank you. I try not to let it get to me. I’ve learned my lesson that it *does* get to me very badly while it’s happening and my urge is to call my nearest and dearest and offload but that is not the right thing to do. Inevitably he is all hot air and the things he makes me feel stressed about are often quickly forgotten by him so there is absolutely no point stressing out my family worrying them with my emotional (over) reactions. It’s all about the money now – once I get into a less precarious situation and I maybe have a bit more money for the childcare then him pulling in and out of their lives will bother me a whole lot less.

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  2. What a complete and utter git! I am so with fyidivorce on this. My ex (of over 10 years now) is so horrible about my partner (of 6 years) to my daughter and she hates it. Of course it gets at you because you have feelings. It is hard to ignore them. I think all men like this think they are ‘doing you a favour’! I really do feel for you. #TheTruthAbout

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    1. Your ex is a git too. Seriously after ten years?! And knowing all about your current partner, your ex’s opinion couldn’t be further from the truth. I think your daughter will probably have a very strained relationship with her father as she grows up because it seems to be true that children get to an age where they process and filter everything they’ve seen, heart and experienced and come to the correct conclusion about which people deserve their love and their time. X

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  3. I despise your husband. I think he is a vile and morally depraved excuse for a human being. I like to believe that people get what they deserve in life, and ultimately I think they do, your boys will have no respect for him as they get older, of that I am sure. It never feels that justice comes soon enough though. I hope you manage to sort out some childcare solutions. I reckon his ex wife is a good option. She knows him too and what an arsehole he can be. I suspect she has a few tips on how to deal with him too and on how to stay sane in the face of his attacks. Good luck. Pen x #thetruthabout

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