Having a wobble

If this is how difficult it is to get over a 4 month long relationship then thank god the break up happened when it did because any deeper in and I can’t imagine the devastation.

I think all this dating stuff has brought it home to me. I’d barely even dipped a toe in the murky dating pool when I met my boyfriend and it just seemed like serendipity to be able to bypass all this headwrecking shit that I feel I’m being drawn into again now.

I know it’s early days but somehow being pursued by non starters and ignored by the rest of the actively dating male population seems so much worse than if they never even knew I existed.

My boyfriend boosted my confidence so much – he made me feel so special – he had eyes for nobody else. It’s really hard to go back into this limbo.

Other than about 3 hours yesterday afternoon I’ve been on my own with the kids for the last 48 hours. Today wasn’t too bad – soaring temperatures here in the south of England and my eldest was at a birthday party for 3 hours, then off with his mate from the neighbourhood all afternoon so it was just me and my little cutie.

Still 48 hours with only the briefest interlude to interact with other adults does feel kind of lonely and then to be bombarded with two hours of chat last night during which I could probably have walked away from the phone and he wouldn’t even have noticed, combined with what almost felt like an attack on the things I *did* get to say left my head spinning. I normally sleep pretty well but last night I really struggled and despite not having any alcohol I awoke in the early hours with my head banging like a dehydrated drunk.

This obviously isn’t a healthy direction to be heading in and I probably need to stop.
I think it doesn’t help that I am not only losing three of my normally child free Fridays due to the Easter break but I also have zero child contact dates from the husband going forwards and psychologically that leaves me feeling like I simply have no respite.

In reality I know how lucky I am, how much I have to be grateful for. Being able to blog all this shit out of my head is helpful and I think that so many people must be feeling the same or worse than I do right now. Maybe someone needs to set up an IDA group (Internet Daters Anonymous) where those of us addicted to the potential highs but more often than not wrecked by the emotional lows can get together and support each other through this long dark teatime of the soul…

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4 thoughts on “Having a wobble

  1. The very brief foray I experienced into internet dating again before My Stranger revealed he had developed feelings for me (as I had for him), was pretty much enough for me to realize I am not in that place right now. While there could, in theory, be some wonderful rewards, the drawbacks pretty much negate those for me currently. I have zero interest in men telling me (verbally and otherwise), all the ways I don’t measure up.

    And as for the grief and the 4 month relationship, be gentle with yourself. I am grieving the current situation with MS far more than I feel like I grieved the end of my marriage. To find someone who build you up, really cares for you, appreciate you, etc, and then cannot stay really is devastating. I think it is perfectly realistic that you are having a hard time with the ending that you received.

    To be honest, I would cancel Monday’s date. You aren’t looking forward to it at all, so it is already doomed. And asking you to tell him what clothes size you wear? He sounds like an absolute schmuck. Hugs.

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    1. Hey hon. I think you sum it up really well about how devastating it is to feel like you’ve lost someone who found a special place in your heart in such a short space of time. I guess in some ways we are still in the same boat – I think maybe your divorce stuff is a little way ahead of mine though.
      I went on the date with CiG yesterday. Let’s just say I’m not going to be seeing him again! X

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Hope you can get a sitter for a break when you can. The nonstop mommying can wear you down, and you need some regular adult time to recharge. I have my kids full time and I’ve found this to make a huge difference. Also, I quit dating. Never been happier, honestly. The little free time I have is all mine to do as I please. It’s quite lovely. Take care of you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I think you’re right about quitting dating but I’m finding it so difficult to just accept that being single is OK at my age. I went on that date yesterday and the guy just talked and talked and talked (and a lot of what he said was rubbish!). I mean I didn’t feel I could get away and we were together for like, 7 hours in the end!! It’s bloody ridiculous isn’t it?! I know I could have quite easily and happily whiled away that time doing lots of little things that I can’t do when the kids are around. I honestly don’t need sex that badly – ha ha! 🙂 X

      Liked by 1 person

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