Man trouble

When someone breaks up with you it’s normally because they’ve got tired of you, right? They’ve fallen out of love, stopped finding you attractive, spent enough time around you to finally be acting on that old adage ‘familiarity breeds contempt’. With the husband, I probably reached that point at least three years before I finally left although there was obviously a lot more to it than that and if you’ve read this blog from the very beginning you’ll understand exactly what I mean.

With the boyfriend it’s different. It was a long enough relationship to form a real bond and become emotionally connected – you know that thing where it seems as though you are both thinking the same thing at the same time even when you’re not together physically?

I raise this subject because it has obviously been harder to move on knowing that our love didn’t actually die. What makes it even worse is the fact that, for the second time he has contacted me and told me that he misses the same things as me – each other’s love, care and physical presence. He told me that I ticked all his boxes and even ones he hadn’t put on his list yet. He told me he intended to visit me, giving me a date and time (at his own instigation, not mine – I neither encouraged nor discouraged him). Then the following day he took it back and apologised for contacting me.

I can’t lie, that was hurtful, frustrating and I feel like it has set my path to emotional recovery back again. I think he cut himself off from me for a reason external to who I am or who we were as a couple and whilst he sticks by his reason it makes emotional disconnect that much more difficult for him even though he is the dumper and not the dump-ee. In moments of weakness – maybe a lonely evening after a couple of beers, he finds himself drawn back but unless I have some clear indication that he’s changed his mind about us as a couple I really need him to stop doing that.

So that’s one down.

The husband is still messing about with dates for contact, telling me that he might not be able to have the kids one day this week which has been on his list for the past month. Whatever his reason I told him that for his contact dates, he is responsible for them and if alternative arrangements need to be made – whether that be a babysitter or grandparents or whatever, then that is up to him. He asked if I have plans which I do in this instance – a visit to Oxford to see some of my family who are over from Ireland – then he laughed at the thought of me missing out – that he has the power to send a ripple effect into my efforts at happiness and a social world that doesn’t involve him.

I know it is up to me to manage him and my own expectations and it’s not the end of the world to cancel plans (and I probably won’t have to) but in the heat of the moment, it upset me.

You’re probably thinking that’s it then, but no, just one more man to throw into the mix. My next door neighbour’s lodger has taken a shine to me and begun to message me via Facebook Messenger. I ignored it before but in a moment of weakness I responded in a very non-committal way last night and despite my best efforts to put him off I ended up agreeing to have a chat with him outside the front door after the kids were in bed – all togged up in my pyjamas and a duffel coat.

So here’s the problem – he clearly likes me but he is totally not my type and I have no interest in having a relationship with him of any kind really but he is being super over-familiar – sent a message with kisses before bed and then first thing in the morning (literally 5.50am). So now I feel like I have one more man whose behaviour I need to manage. It’s suddenly all turning into an unrequited love rectangle. Give me strength!

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Support and the single mum

I read back over my last two posts this morning and sighed. Both of my readers must be beginning to wonder if I’m succumbing to schizophrenia. The thing is, it is just too easy to feel that things are on track during your happier, calmer, more organised, more harmonious moments, only to realise that, yes indeed, sh*t happens and it’s not going to just stop happening because you had the afternoon off and read a good book.

Since last Wednesday (the evening of my last documented crash and burn parenting moment) things have calmed back down considerably. I have had the kids with me for the last six nights (and the whole weekend) and they haven’t seen their dad at all in that time. Notably my seven year old’s bad behaviour was at it’s height those first two nights.

We spent the weekend with my parents and it was Mother’s Day (UK) on Sunday so my Mum helped my eldest choose and buy me a lovely present (a new handbag – something which he’d heard me say I needed as my old one is falling apart).

They brought me a cup of tea in bed and later on my mum and I took them out for a little visit to a local attraction and in the afternoon we had a roast dinner and I went down to the recreation ground with them and we played football together as it was a sunny day.

I went along to their school this morning to see my eldest perform in his little ‘school of rock’ style concert and he was so happy to see me and came over and gave me a hug on his way back to class.

Their dad is picking them up this afternoon and giving them tea before bringing them back at 5.30 in time to wind the day up before bed. Hopefully that won’t be long enough for the poison to seep back in.

I’ve also got my appointment with the headmistress tomorrow afternoon and it’s going to feel strange opening up to her when things feel like they are back on track but I definitely think it can’t hurt to just sound her out about the problems I’ve had with behaviour lately and particularly because it does seem to be tied in with extended periods of contact with their father. (Worryingly he has them next overnight Thursday and overnight Friday after school too but fortunately my mum will be over on Saturday afternoon so I won’t be alone).

Having the support of my parents makes me realise how lucky I am. It’s nice to know that they will always be there for me unconditionally, no matter what (as long as they are fit and able to do so obviously). And I have been reflecting on the nature of ‘support’ – what I need and who from.

It would be nice to be able to support and in turn be supported by the husband when it comes to parenting but clearly that isn’t going to happen. When I talk about my ex-boyfriend/another boyfriend/potential partner I use the term ‘support’ only in terms of emotional support for me – to boost my confidence when it comes to handling my own FML moments. Because that’s what partners do isn’t it? Regardless of what your FML moments may be, it’s nice to know that your ‘significant other’ has got your back and has some empathy; that they are there to give you a hug when you feel like you might break.

Thinking about this subject in these terms makes me realise that I’m just not ready to be in another relationship right now. Don’t get me wrong, I would love to have a partner – someone with whom to give and take that amazing gift of love and laughter and company and fun, share physical intimacy, touch, kiss, plan together for an even better future.

But I need for this divorce to be over. I need to feel more in control at home with the support of family and the school. And I need to give myself time to recover from loss and heartbreak and time to revel in the little pleasures of single life – everything from suiting myself when it comes to choosing and planning social activities, to living in my own home, decorating as I please and entertaining who I like, when I like.

I am slowly coming to complete acceptance of and peace with the recent break up (just three weeks ago). Time moves so fast that soon I will be looking back and four months will be a drop in the ocean. Plus with time comes some more sense to see that relationship for what it was – just a lovely chapter in my life, full of all those little things I talk about above, but ultimately with someone who wasn’t right for me – if he had been right for me then he would still be here.

Which of course doesn’t mean that I don’t still have pangs and find myself scrolling his FB page, or looking back at our shared photos or checking to see whether he’s still checking out our WhatsApp thread (he is, several times a day). And it doesn’t stop me from having weak moments where I wonder whether to offer myself to him completely no strings as a friend ‘with benefits’ (which I’m not going to do – how messy would that get?). However much you tell yourself you could switch it off emotionally and disengage should he suddenly get into a relationship with someone new, I know that would feel like an absolute kick in the heart and I’m not going to do that. Plus I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t agree whatever I said – he wouldn’t trust me to keep it light-hearted and casual. And anyway I deserve better than that.

At the end of the day a relationship – be it friendship, romance or family – is all about give and take – love, support, patience, care and attention. A hand to hold, a heart to trust. Someone to reassure you that you are doing your best and give you the confidence to trust in your own strength – not someone to do your job for you or give you some kind of a free ride.

Right now my family and friends are the best a girl could get and their support is genuine and cannot be stolen away in the night.

Recognising your limits and asking for help

Last night I think I reached my tipping point. The children recently spent a couple of nights with their dad and then he collected them from school and brought them home to me two nights ago. That night my seven year old started off fine (although he seemed to have lost his appetite completely and seemed somewhat subdued). He went off to the evening club he attends and I had no fuss putting his brother to bed. He returned home at 7.40pm and very soon after that something minor happened which triggered off a bout of bad behaviour, defiance and general unwillingness to comply with anything I said.

I felt like this situation was relatively short lived and I managed to remain calm and used one of the strategies that I’ve been reading about during all of my recent free time. In the end he suddenly burst into tears and couldn’t explain why he was feeling so upset but he then became very loving and wanted hugs and reassurance and was willing to have some quiet time in bed.

Last night it was parents ‘evening’ at school (at infants level take that to mean a ten minute chat with the teacher at 4.30pm). I had failed to mention this to the husband and he later found out when my son mentioned it during a phone conversation. He asked to speak to me and shrieked at me, calling me a complete cow before continuing his conversation with our son.

Early in the evening it was the same kind of thing as the night before – my son started off very calm and cooperative – he even asked me to tell him specifically if there was anything I wanted which he could get me as a present for mother’s day. I couldn’t think of anything so I looked around and spotted a framed piece of art that I’d made for him a couple of year’s ago and suggested that he produce a piece of art which he could get framed for me as a gift as that would be home-made and personal and something that I could always keep and treasure.

It was 7.50pm and he was due to go to bed for his ‘quiet time’ at 8. Earlier in the evening I’d specifically spoken to him and offered him time on my computer playing games if he was willing to follow the routine nicely later. He had agreed and we’d shaken hands on it.

He looked over at the picture I’d made him and said “I want to do one like that…now”. I kind of laughed, told him we didn’t have the materials or the time and that he could do his picture at the weekend when my parents would be able to help him. That was the start of about 45 minutes of hell being unleashed. During that time he pushed me closer and closer to snapping, threatening to wake his little brother (with whom he shares a room), taking my drink to chuck away down the kitchen sink and spilling it, trying to pull my trousers down, becoming more and more gleeful the more wound up and upset I got, pretty much laughing at all of my threats and suggested consequences.

I found myself standing like a statue, feeling that I was facing a crisis and I couldn’t cope – I just literally had no idea how to turn things around despite having felt so strong and determined just two days before with the help of a manual full of advice and suggestions, none of which I had at my fingertips and some of which would only work as a long term strategy anyway.

In the end I just burst into tears and berated him for throwing all of my good nature and everything nice I ever did for him back in my face. I then set about a couple of household tasks – put a load of washing on and washed up some dishes while he stood by watching as tears still streamed down my face. Then I went upstairs and lay down on my bed but he followed me in and got up in my face so I changed tack and got onto his bed (the top bunk) and lay down there knowing that he would follow me. He came up and as he lay down next to me I asked him if he would like to read his chapter book with me which he responded to very well, running downstairs to get it and bring it straight back. We read the last chapter and he was then back to his normal self and I was able to leave him to his last 15 minutes of quiet time in bed before lights out.

After that I sat downstairs feeling completely wretched and hopeless and cried a bit more. Matters were only made worse by the fact that my boyfriend only very recently broke up with me specifically because this situation with my son was just too stressful for him to contemplate any longer. He left me to it and walked away taking any support I had imagined with him.

I spoke to my sister who works in schools and she told me to get the school involved, ask to speak to his teacher or the Head or anybody specific who deals with emotional problems and issues and potentially look to be referred to more specialist services.

All of that kind of freaked me out because I was having (still am) confused thoughts regarding the demarcation between ‘normal’ behaviour for a boy his age and behaviour that is affected and altered by the emotive nature of our family break up which is clearly exacerbated by his father’s inability to treat me with any kind of friendly respect (if he was capable of that I probably would have told him about the parents evenings).

We all want to make excuses, tell ourselves that we can cope alone and fear that asking outside agencies for help is a sign of weakness and failure and shame but maybe it’s true that it does take a village to raise a child, and whilst I do try my hardest and sometimes feel like I’m winning, it doesn’t hurt to ask for the opinion of someone in their professional capacity outside of the emotional circle of family alone. If nothing else, maybe my son would benefit from sharing his feelings about the break up with someone who isn’t me.

This morning after dropping the children off I went into the office and made an appointment to speak to the Head of their school. She has been kind to me in the past and I think it would be a start to at least get her opinion as an outsider but also as someone who has my child’s pastoral care in her hands.

For the time being I am just bracing myself for another bedtime battle and wishing and praying for calm to once again descend.

Love, life and the challenges of single motherhood

It’s been almost exactly two weeks since my boyfriend ended our relationship. It’s four and half days since we had our last communication. He instigated a ‘sexting’ session last Monday night which lead to him asking permission to come and see me two days later. I agreed – I thought it would at least be a way of getting to talk to him again in person and find out a bit more about the feelings of hurt and confusion that he expressed to me two days before.

Of course come Wednesday morning I received an email (we never communicated by email so that seemed very formal) telling me he wouldn’t be coming because he didn’t want me to get the idea that things between us could “slowly develop back into some kind of relationship”. He told me he respected me and wouldn’t want to “just come over on a casual arrangement”. He said casual sex would leave us both feeling pretty shit about the whole thing. He said he didn’t want to cause himself additional stress.

He told me he would like to keep in contact with me as friends but right now he needed to get his head straight and adjust to getting on with his life “as a singleton”. He said he would come and do the jobs he’d promised to help with “but not right now”.

He signed off saying “Keep safe and I’ll be in touch soon. Love you XXX”.

I broke down in tears in the bathroom then. It didn’t seem right to tell someone you love them but then completely withhold that love. However the school run was on and there was no time to curl up in a ball and cry the morning away.

I noticed the car revving hard and losing power on the way up to the school and it just seemed to be a metaphor for my internal state. Then, on the 60mph dual carriageway on my way to work something went pop and I swerved to a stop completely blocking one of the two lanes and sat shakily dialling the emergency motor rescue service breaking down in tears as I tried to give my details over the phone.

As I stood on the side of the road looking out across Surrey and all the way to London in the far distance I felt myself welling up with bitterness and dashed off a text to the (ex) boyfriend telling him that I was angry with him for instigating the conversation on Monday, that he’d hurt and rejected me enough now and telling him to delete the last photo I sent.

That was literally the last thing said between us.

My sister says that he just wanted to know that he could still have me if he wanted me. She said as soon as he knew that I still wanted him he felt better about himself because it showed that I had forgiven him.

Anyway. It’s quite weird how quickly I feel I’m recovering. I cried a little bit less each day until I dried up completely. Yes I was in denial to begin with – I couldn’t really accept the reason that he had given me for breaking up – it seemed too harsh for him to have written me off as someone who would never be able to get a handle on parenting my children the way he preferred (i.e. a firm hand, nipping all bad behaviour in the bud immediately, imposing non-negotiable consequences on the spot, etc.).

As someone who has children of his own I thought he would be able to see the bigger picture – that all parenting is a work in progress and he already knew that I was practically crying for help with the challenge. I guess he just wasn’t the man I thought he was – someone who could support and encourage me and point me in the right direction.

As a single – non-residential – father for 14 years of his youngest daughter’s childhood, I think he just forgot, or never really knew, what the struggle was. If he had a bad weekend with the kids it didn’t matter – he could just hand them back on Sunday night and go back to his single life and leave their mum to lay the real foundations of their future.

So there we have it. It’s behind me and I’m starting to see that maybe he did me a favour after all by recognising his own ‘deal-breaker’ and cutting all the strings straight away, after four months, not four years of my life.

I still think he will come to regret his decision because I actually think I’m quite a good catch (ha ha!) for someone like him. But by the time he realises that it will be too late because I will have moved on.

Ironically the whole thing has spurred me on to take action with my parenting. I bought a self help parenting book and even after a short read of a few chapters I can see a plan of action emerging which I’m already putting into practice.

One of the author’s foundations for managing your children’s behaviour is called giving “Descriptive Praise”. As she says, it can be for anything at all your child get’s right or does well. I have praised my four year old for remembering to say thank you. I have praised my seven year old for taking my lead and not blaming his brother when a brand new pair of headphones was broken this morning.

As the author says, children really seek our approval and crave positive attention and even these little changes make me feel like I’m a better parent already and also that they are so receptive and that such small changes in my behaviour make such a difference in theirs.

So anyway, it’s early days and I’m well aware that there is no ‘easy’ answer and that behaviour will fluctuate depending on any number of things – particularly tiredness and hunger.

It’s now Sunday evening and I’m taking stock. In the last two weeks I have signed up for a night hike in the Lakes in June in memory of a good man who died too soon; I’ve had long, real conversations with friends I haven’t properly spoken to in a long time; I’ve read a whole book (page-turning thriller – nothing too heavy!); I’m eating as healthily as I possibly can, cutting out refined sugar and white carbs for the most part; I did a couple of exercise DVD sessions and some sit ups; I joined up with a new meet-up for people who want to play tennis together (badly :-)) and met up with five new people to do just that yesterday afternoon when ‘husband’ had the boys; I’ve completed and returned everything to my solicitor and divorce proceedings have now been lodged with the court (finally) and financial documents finally about to be exchanged.

I had the kids at home on my own all morning – we built train tracks; we danced and played musical statues; I got both boys to sit down with me individually and complete their maths homework; we made a trip to the convenience store to pick out bits and pieces for their picnic lunch in front of Cbeebies; I put a clothes wash on; I hoovered.

At 1.30pm I dropped them off to their dad for the rest of the day and night, came home, cooked myself a poached egg on wholemeal toast and then settled down to finally watch The Revenant – what an amazing film! Now I’m blogging and cooking spicy sweet potato wedges, roast Mediterranean veggies and baked cod in garlic butter while I blog.

I do actually realise how lucky I am. I’m so thankful that I’m an introvert by nature and quite happy in my own company. In fact I often consider reaching out for company when I know I’ll be on my own for a few hours before laughing at myself because I know that an afternoon like the one I’m having (movie, wine, good food, a bit of blogging) is when I’m at my most relaxed and happy. Completely. By. Myself.

Being a single parent is such a mixed bag. And oh yes, it’s not the same for everyone – some women have no partner to take their children off for the day/night/weekend. Some women do not have the family support or the financial support or the life experience behind them to be able to put things in perspective.

Maybe it’s just my personality but I’m not one to wallow for long. I want to forge a path to happiness and I sometimes need to remind myself that I am a speck on an insignificant planet that is part of 170 billion galaxies that make up the known universe.

Maybe it helps that I’m an atheist – I believe that life is short and there’s no conscious afterlife. Make the most of it, eh?

Learning to let go

He got back to me eventually and said he would like to stay friends. He told me I’m the sweetest person he’s ever met. He told me he still loves me. He told me that he thinks about me all the time and misses me. But he didn’t tell me that he’d changed his mind; or that he’d had a crazy moment of madness and wanted to take it all back.

I poured out my heart then in a virtual text essay, putting my spin on the situation, telling him we’d clearly moved too fast; offering a more laid back, child-free version of the immediate future together. 26 hours later he replied “I still think about you all the time and miss you but I just don’t know what to say at the moment ❤ X”.

After that I had some more conversations with friends and my sister and everyone said the same thing: “DON’T TEXT HIM!”.

I managed that for nearly 48 hours but yesterday was his birthday and I felt really weird to just say nothing so I texted “Happy Birthday X” in the evening. He then pinged back almost straight away “Thank you darling” and a twinkly heart. Then again “How are you?”

I replied “Up/down…sad. Happy, supported. Excluded. How did you celebrate your birthday?” He responded “Up/down Lonely Sad Alone Confused Crying X”. I was surprised. I felt sad for him – I hadn’t realised how fucked up he was feeling, and I tried to talk to him some more – asking him whether he really knew what he wanted to which he replied “I want to be Happy”. I said “Do you know how to be happy though? What is making you so sad?”. He went silent.

I ploughed on the next morning, sending a text… let’s just say reminding him what he was missing (it wasn’t a picture!) and he responded over an hour later confirming the obvious – he still thinks about our sex life. Nothing more.

I kept pushing – would he come over tomorrow afternoon and help me fit a bike rack on my car? After all he’d promised to help me whenever he can and up to a week ago his schedule was very free or very flexible – he came over at least three or four times a week and when I was child-free he made a special effort.

Five hours later he sent a ‘sorry, I can’t make tomorrow’ reply with a couple of lame excuses attached. At that point I found myself finally sobbing again. I think somehow I thought I could change him; change his mind; heal him; bring him back to me. But now I know he has no intention of letting that happen.

I drafted several different versions of a ‘fuck you then’ text in my head but then my seven year old saw me crying and acted really gently towards me. I dried my eyes, played a couple of board games with him and began to appreciate that this is what matters – not some transient relationship with a man who clearly has issues which I couldn’t even have guessed at two weeks ago. And really – do I need that kind of emotional instability in my life right now? No I do not. What I need is a chance to recover from the heart shock of all this. I need a chance to get over it and eventually open my heart back up to the possibility of a true, stable, balanced, loving, honest, tenacious partner who will not drop out like bad Wi-Fi the second my kids get a little bit hangry.

I have to admit I am still tempted to have my final word – you know the ‘have a nice life then’/’forget friendship’/’screw you and your lame excuses’ kind of stuff but at the end of the day I’m still that sweet girl who doesn’t want to leave a bad taste in someone’s mouth as their last memory so I’ll take the advice and let it slide. I’ll stop looking at the pictures, stop checking to see when he last looked. Let the silence rush back in and fill my void with as much love, self-love, laughter, family, friends, plans and pursuits as I can and one day soon it won’t hurt any more to remember those four months of love and romance and happiness.

Perspective

For 36 hours, other than a few snatched periods of restless sleep filled with dark dreams and a few pockets of stability, I cried. It’s only natural – the person with whom you have become deeply intimate, shared every thought, hope and dream, someone with whom you never exchanged a cross word for four solid months – the person who, just 18 hours before sent you a message telling you they loved you with a twinkly heart attached, shows up on your doorstep, not for the planned assignation which you were expecting but with the express purpose of breaking things off.

To put it in perspective, just two weeks before this we had been enjoying a romantic weekend getaway to the coast, holding hands on the sea wall and fossil hunting the pebbled shores of Charmouth. We had discussed summer barbeques, camping trips abroad and family gatherings.

I’ve already explained the reasons he gave for ending ‘us’, so I won’t re-hash here. What I need to express and explore now is how I am adjusting and what comes next. I’ve been living out the five stages of grief in microcosm – denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

I’ve composed a long text message asking him to continue a relationship of sorts only to delete it almost immediately.

I’ve raged about the broken promises, the over-sensitivity, the hypocrisy of telling someone you still love them but then dropping them like a hot potato, the weakness of a person who can’t understand that love should conquer all or alternatively the duplicity of someone who never really loved or let love in whilst claiming otherwise.

I have mourned for the loss of a loving, supportive partner; I have questioned every word and action wondering whether I gave offence unwittingly at some point and re-hashed conversations during our first few dates when we were still offering unguarded information about the nature of our lives and our hearts.

I’ve considered a bleak future in which I live alone with my challenging children in a void punctuated by the bitter attacks of my emotionally abusive ex-husband. I’ve feared that this experience has starkly demonstrated that, in my situation, a middle-aged single mum with two kids in KS1, I am become ‘untouchable’, that a long-term love may be a concept I need to let go of.

But as the hours pass I see things slightly differently. We were two middle aged people who chanced upon one another; we both happened to be single and allowed an attraction to form. We were no star-crossed young lovers. We weren’t the perfect match, we had elements of compatibility.

I re-calibrated my expectations earlier and realised that the pain inflicted upon me two days ago was undeniably centred upon the cruel and unexpected nature of his decision – the fact that he orchestrated a completely one-sided conversation and took any control over the how, why and when of the break-up out of my hands.

If he truly lacks the capacity to man up and offer unconditional love and support to a partner who clearly has her own struggles, or to find a way to control his own stressors and work things through, then he’s not the man I hoped he was and I accept his decision.

However, I still like him, I still think that he is a good man who was generous and open and empathetic and generally fun to be around, so I decided to send him a text asking if he would be willing to continue seeing each other as friends. I sent that message four and a half hours ago. He still hasn’t responded and now I’m not sure what to think…

Its not me, it’s him…

I can hardly understand how its come to this – me sitting here in tears writing this post. I genuinely thought that I had found something – someone – who was right for me, who would love me and support me; who was prepared to take the rough with the smooth and who had my back.

It’s been four months. I have had not a bad word to say about my boyfriend. I thought he was a good person – someone who was very similar to me in temperament and personality and who I enjoyed spending my time with. He made the effort with my kids – he showed patience and sat with my 7 year old, listening to him read his school books and guiding him with his maths homework.

He drove for an hour each way to visit me with or without my kids – he wasn’t someone who made me feel like I had to choose between him or them.

He brought me tea in bed, brought me home cooked food when I had a busy week and we spoke or at the very least texted each other every day for the last four months.

We went away for a romantic weekend last time I was child free – two weeks ago. It was great. His birthday is next weekend and I had planned a lovely day together in London – I’ve bought tickets for the Shard and was going to suggest we combine that with a wander round Borough food market and a lobster dinner somewhere nearby.

I have opened up to him and felt like I could tell him anything. I have felt that he is a genuine, honest and loving person.

I am child free tonight and he was due to come over and spend the evening and night with me. He turned up as planned but I could immediately see that he had bad news.

He broke up with me. Just like that. No notice. Nothing.

Apparently the issues I have with parenting my kids – particularly my 7 year old who does tend to be very defiant and demanding – are just too stressful for him and because of that he simply can’t see our relationship working. He had clearly made his mind up.

He told me he still loves me but I just can’t understand that.

The way that I have immersed myself in this relationship, it just feels like there will now be a massive void. He has been more than a lover – he’s become a best friend and basically the person who held my happiness in his hands and now that’s just vanished into thin air – like all it ever was, was smoke and mirrors.