The quest and the request

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately about where my life is right now. I’ve kind of got over this flurry of obsessive thinking about men and relationships. The date I had recently – want to know what the best bit was? It was the bit on my own in the hotel beforehand – it was bloody lovely – listening to my music, rolling around on this super comfy bed :-), popping out to the shops, taking a nap, daydreaming – enjoying the peace – I felt so flipping happy – you know the kind of happy where you label the feeling in the moment. OK so that might say a lot about the mismatch between me and my date but it also proves that I am more than comfortable in my own company.

This week my husband finally put in his application with the bank to get his own mortgage and release enough equity to buy me out. It will take ‘at least a month’ apparently. But either way by the end of summer I plan to be moving into a rental property with my children which is both cheering and worrying in equal measure. Cheering because it means I won’t have to do any more exhausting commuting, especially as my baby starts school in September and already struggles with tiredness in the afternoons (I wouldn’t like to mention  the number of ‘almost’ scrapes I’ve gotten into trying to keep him awake on our hour long drive home in the afternoons!).

Worrying because – money. And also, lack of family support from that point onwards (I mean ‘on-the-spot’ support – they will always be a phone call away).

The husband decided not to have our youngest on Wednesday as he was busy doing ‘something else’. I took another annual leave day. On the bright side, I won’t have to worry about this eventuality again as it is now the school holidays and I have childcare lined up with no gaps and no reliance on him.

He did offer to have the kids overnight last night and all day today which I took him up on. The house is a state is but I guess the kids won’t be too bothered as long as they get full use of the trampoline.

So yesterday I got a text from him saying “please pack the kids swimming shorts”, to which I replied that I would. Two minutes later he sent: “you’re welcome to stay over”.  Is it just me or is that idea entirely inappropriate? I didn’t bother to reply until we spoke on the phone and I told him “No thanks”.

I’m not sure what (if anything) is up with his new relationship, but I know he got drunk on Thursday night and had a very aggressive Messenger conversation with his sister which ended up with him telling her that their parents and her have been completely unsupportive and saying “Fuck you”.

It seems that the family’s attention has been focused elsewhere as my brother in law, who is an army man, was deployed to Somalia with the UN this week for 9 months. According to the husband no-one gives a shit about him and his failed marriage and he might as well end it all.

Any hoo, him and the kids are currently down at his girlfriend’s place so I guess it’s not as bad as his behaviour might suggest.

I am certainly becoming more and more focused on the quest to re-ignite a life for myself with the focus shifting from the idea of dating to just me becoming  an independent thinker again – someone who wants to have a good debate, read a great book and discuss it, go for a cycle, meet up with friends (old and new), get inspired to write, cook good food, visit the odd restaurant, be around people who make me laugh and smile and relax and give me the opportunity to be a great conversationalist too.

I joined this online ‘meet-up’ thingy. It’s like a place online where people set up groups (real world groups to actually meet in real life and do things that they enjoy doing, be that rambling, cycling, trance dance – whatever!). I thought it might be good to join up with a few groups and then on the occasions when the husband has the kids I could have some options.

It is making me laugh what is being sent through to me at the moment though. I guess I wasn’t massively discerning in choosing my interests so I’m getting groups who practice everything from ‘free-form dance’ to getting in touch with their spirituality through the vibrations of the local Stargate. 🙂 Er… OK.

It is also making me weep – I joined an activity group and one of the first thing they post is the opportunity to go on this amazing holiday to Malta – staying in this beautiful chateau with a crystal blue swimming pool, a bit of chilled out cycling and hiking etc. And of course I can’t go. I may be excluded from this kind of thing for the next 15 years. Who knows.

Today though, I had a nice day. My parents are away in the Isle of Wight cycling round the island with their friends and of course the kids are with their dad. It was a beautiful sunny morning so I took myself off to the nearest Bills restaurant (for anyone who doesn’t live in the UK, Bills is a kind of bistro which does brunch and has a kind of chilled out vibe). My local branch is right on the Thames riverside. It felt a bit weird saying to the waiter “it’s just me” but they didn’t bat much of an eyelid.

I ordered an Eggs Royale (essentially Eggs Benedict but with smoked salmon), an orange juice and a latte. They brought the food but forgot the drinks for ages which resulted in them giving me the drinks for free!

My next luxury was a leisurely browse round the nearest bookshop which resulted in me buying two picture books for my son’s upcoming fourth birthday (that’s not all he’s getting!) and two books for myself – a thriller and a non-fiction book called ‘Them’ by a bloke called Jon Ronson – a funny guy who, in this book, followed a number of people with extremist views in order to try and get the measure of them.

I did also buy myself a top in the Summer Sales and some earrings. Nothing like a bit of retail therapy!

Then I came home and listened to music, cooked, read a bit, and blogged a bit. Soon I will have to set off to go and pick the children up and so begins the next cycle.


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