Finding some balance

It’s been a weird couple of weeks for me. First moving back into our home whilst my husband was away, then moving back out again. Going from the fairly peaceful days whilst my husband was far away immersed in his training course to having him back in my headspace with his bitter words and attempts to sabotage my relationship with my children.

And looming even larger in my mind, the completely unexpected approach of a seemingly eligible single man who it turns out I had nothing real in common with and who just didn’t stimulate me enough (in any sense of the word!).

As I have said before the thought of a new relationship – the pursuit of a companion/lover/partner in crime – was nothing more than the vaguest of notions simmering away on a back burner up to this point.

When I was in the thick of my marriage – the bad bit – I remember thinking “I want nothing more to do with men”, I felt that I could happily be celibate for the rest of my life, that I am probably better suited to being alone and that having my first ever home – just mine (and the kids of course) would be an exciting novelty. For the only person controlling me to be me. For compromise to be a thing of a the past.

But now? This recent tryst has opened up the floodgates to a lot of feelings of self doubt and worry about loneliness – suddenly feeling sexy again only to be plunged straight back into long-term celibacy. Honestly, I just can’t stop thinking about it right now which is a bit shit considering I was doing so well just being me and being as good a mum to my kids as I could be.

I read a couple of articles yesterday about sex and the single mum and one of them really helped me come to terms with where I’m at – or at least put things in some perspective. The author mentioned that feeling of being in a daze at the beginning of a new relationship – totally pre-occupied, you know? Not great when you have small children who need you to organise everything from their homework, to their meals to their social lives. Giving 25% is kind of short-changing them somewhat.

Then there are all the thoughts about being in the dating pool, dealing with idiots, trying to navigate the sharks, trying not to get sucked into another relationship vortex, trying to decide if ‘casual’ no-strings relationships are the way forward or just the fast-track into an emotional mire.

I need to try and remember all the things I was looking forward to about getting out of a bad relationship and being single again. Yes, one of the things I wrote down at the time was ‘flirting’ (not much of that goes on in a bad marriage), but actually, most of it was about getting out and doing things I enjoy again, seeing my friends un-hindered and experiencing things that my husband would have disapproved of (festivals, blog conferences – ha ha!).

Plus despite my ever increasing years I need to remember that people don’t just stop having relationships once they hit 40. I don’t have a biological clock ticking any more which is kind of cool in that there is no pressure to rush into anything. Also one of my good friends at work – an absolutely lovely guy – just got married for the first time at the age of 55 to his partner – a two-time divorcee in her 50s with two grown up children and grandchildren.

The one thing that is dumbfounding me right now is that my husband, after a separation of four and half months, is deeply involved with another woman – someone who seems uniquely suited to him (although I don’t envy her long term). He is suddenly taking up tennis and talking about skiing holidays (two of my favourite sports which he would never have contemplated during our ten years together).

At one and the same time he has moved on so, so quickly, (I know they have already discussed moving in together – don’t ask me how!) and is yet still so wrought with anger over my decision to leave him.

So yeah, that’s where I’m at. Single, frustrated and under attack but still hopeful for the future because it’s in my own hands now.

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5 thoughts on “Finding some balance

  1. You MUST ALWAYS remain hopeful for the future (besides-what’s the alternative look like). I remember thinking prior to divorce that once divorced I was going to go out an sow my oats ha ha! Then the judge signed the divorce papers and I opted to put dating on the back burner until I was “ready”. I suddenly couldn’t imagine letting someone in again…to witness the damage…to figure out how to be comfortable with someone new touching me.

    I’ve enjoyed most of the last 10 months. Remembering what I enjoyed doing (painting, laughing, smiling), what I don’t like (1st dates), enjoying my time alone to do “whatever”, and learning to appreciate my own company/beauty/knowledge (I honestly didn’t realize how funny I am!). But about a month or so ago I decided it was “time” to expand my horizons (After cornering a neighbor for a chit chat I realized I had starved myself of adult conversation which wasn’t healthy (ha ha no not the “sexy” kind of adult convo). It’s been awkward but worth it. I’ve only ventured out three times with the specific intention of meeting someone new but I can feel myself getting stronger each outing.

    About two weeks ago I found out my ex was moving an hour away. Not a big deal considering we had no children but a lil heartbreaking non the less. The only reason I moved here was so he could be closer to his mom and now he’s running for the hills with another woman! Just didn’t make sense to me (if he didn’t’ want to be this close why did he allow us to move here). A bit of a slap in my face too, in my opinion. Another slap was that he started dating this gal several weeks after our divorce, doing all the things with her that I had wanted him to do with me but he was too tired for me, and by Thanksgiving (two months after divorce) exclusive with her. I sometimes wonder why it isn’t working out that quick for me you know? Why am I having such a dandy of a time meeting a spectacular guy made specifically for me?

    Oh well. Live and learn. And If that is what makes him happy, I’m happy for him. I confident in the knowledge that my future is bright and that great things are working their way towards me. On days that I struggle I have to remember to stay patient and keep the faith. I deserve the best possible future and if I have to wait for it, I have to wait. Until then I’m going to travel, work, create….do whatever makes my heart sing.

    take care

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    1. Thanks for visiting and commenting Victoria! My husband moved on with another woman about two months after separation – divorce is still a long way off! I think you have to read what Christy said in a previous comment about why men sometimes move on to another relationship much quicker than us women. I certainly know now that although the woman my husband is with seems quite right for him on paper and is obviously being wound in by initial charm offensive, there is already trouble in paradise – it’s all just far too quick to work out I reckon so there’s no need for us to compare our own journeys unfavourably with that – we just have to be patient and give it some time. I think you definitely have the right attitude – I’m trying to do the same thing. Some days it’s easier than others to be upbeat – you are lucky in a way that you don’t have kids because you are free to pursue all that travelling, working & creating – I’m kind of limited in comparison! Having said that, the kids are my travel/work/creation so focusing on them is no bad thing. Xxx

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  2. First and foremost, I’m happy for you that you have chosen to move on to a new life (free of toxic behavior) for yourself and your kids. I wish you all the best in your journey. Second, I’m sorry you are having to go through the grueling process of separation and divorce that comes with that. I’ve been divorced for 2.5 years now, so I am coming out on the other side of it but remember well the emotional roller coaster from that time period – xoxo. Regarding you ex moving on so quickly, what I’ve learned is that men often take a separation/divorce as a blow to the ego and if they have low self worth (which abusive, controlling men often do), they need a fresh ‘victim’ to prop themselves up again and avoid all the bad feelings about themselves that they simply cannot face. I’ve found it helpful to understand this, as it enabled me to not take that behavior personally – which made it much easier to move on and let go over time. It really does say everything about him and nothing at all about you. Sounds like you are doing all the right things – thinking things through, putting your kids first, focusing on finding yourself again. Keep doing that and the rest will fall into place in time. I know. I’ve been there. And my kids and I are happier and more content than we have ever been. Hang in there and keep writing and sharing!!

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    1. Ah thanks for visiting and leaving a comment! I agree with everything you say here – the thing about the way in which a controlling man moves on so quickly describes almost exactly what has happened! Even his own sister confided in me that she feels he has gone out and found ‘another victim’. I also know that he is already starting to sabotage that relationship with his paranoia and trust issues. Anyway that’s their problem I’m happy to be out of it – if anything I want the relationship to succeed – at least in the short term – so that his moods don’t plummet during the divorce settlement! As you might know if you read any of my recent blog posts I did have a date recently (I mean a *full on* date!) but nothing will come of it as there just wasn’t enough of a spark between us. Weirdly I found myself very briefly mourning over that which is ridiculous but it just dragged my head back into the whole game / search for intimacy and, I guess, eventually real love. It feels sad when that slips away again and but it’s been pretty easy to re-focus on my single life with the kids again – let’s face it they’re a pretty all-consuming concern! I will definitely keep writing and sharing – it’s very therapeutic and even better to know that someone out there might actually be reading and identifying. Xxx

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      1. So much of divorce is about letting go. I’ve grieved a lot of things. Here’s to letting go of the past and what did not work, holding close what did, and making room for new and better!

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